I have discovered over the last few weeks something about myself that I have always suspected.
I put way too much emphasis on the way people view me. I think that a lot of people have that problem. However, I have noticed that it is actually only certain people who I attach this kind of value (or whatever it is) to. I pick certain people to be the judge of my identity.
As far as I can tell it started in high school. I had a friend who I clung to out of fear just as much as I did out of love or camaraderie. For some reason I really wanted him to like me… and I still do. I actually saw him a few weeks ago and I immediately welled up with self-counsciousness and fear. I immediately started putting on a front. He was always bold, arrogant, intelligent, and I thought that he was really cool.
Every other person that I have attached this significance to has similar character traits.
Anyway, I just wanted to share this personal observation. I don’t know why I do this, but it seems like there is some sort of deeper implication here.