Faith is far more complex than anyone could ever imagine or suffienctly put into words. I’ve been repeatedly hitting my head against that realization this week.
I feel a lot of pressure to be getting my life “sorted out” before we move to Boston, whatever that means. I’m the only one putting that pressure on myself, which is a standard practice for me. I am known to heap mounds of unbearable guilt upon myself that I use to drive me repentantly down to the ground in search of forgiveness. I get some sort of odd satisfaction in thinking that I’m worthless and God is so much better than anything I could ever possibly imagine.
I would have made a fantastic monastic.
The truth is that I will never get anything “sorted out” to my liking. I will always be a scathing critic of myself, casting down judgments about how I think too much about myself and too little about my family, my church, the poor, etc. Ultimately though, in my efforts to think less about myself I am thinking more about myself. And there lies the problem.
It is amazing how easy it is to question your faith when you are most interested in hearing your own assessments of the state of your life.
Some days I feel like my heart is hard and cold… like I need some sort of re-ignition. Some days I feel like I need a complete restructuring of my priorities. Some days I feel like I need to start over from scratch because what I’m working with is so broken.
I don’t even know why I started writing this post. It certainly isn’t to encourage you. I guess that it is helpful to admit my weakness publically so that I can then focus my thoughts away from myself and more to Christ. But I feel like that is sending me back to where I started…
Faith is far more complex than anyone could ever imagine or sufficiently put into words.